Monday, January 26, 2015

Welcome to!

How many of us are currently wading through the sludge that is online dating? I know I’m not the only one. Things haven’t gone exactly as you’d hoped, am I right? That’s why we are here. If you are looking for a place that will give you step-by-step directions to become a better online dater so you can find and catch the man of your dreams, you’ve come to the wrong place. I clearly have no idea how to do that, so I’m in no place to offer any advice. I guess I could lie about it, but that would be bad. However, if you are looking to commiserate over ridiculous online dating experiences, then you have come to the right place. Try not to snort while you’re laughing at the hilariously pitiful occurrences in my dating life. Your coworkers will talk about you.

Basically, this blog was created because it is much cheaper to talk to the internet than a therapist.

              I must confess that my foray into online dating was the result of a prescription-drug induced buzz of energy. My chronic condition got the better of me over the summer, so my doctor hopped me up on steroids and mega (although, not quite strong enough) pain pills. Medicine like this makes you just a little crazy. It was under the wired influence of the meds that I chose (around 2:00 am one night) to join an online dating website.
          Immediately, I began receiving matches. Lying in bed in rumpled pjs (sick as a dog), I scrolled through my options. There were so many men at my fingertips. It was great. I just knew I would find a man, feel better, and my life would become a romantic comedy—laughing at hijinks, walking our dogs, dancing in the kitchen.

            It was the drugs, I swear.

      Not long after joining, I got a message. I scrolled through his profile. Christian—check! Employed—check! Gorgeous—check! What more could a girl ask for? We started chatting sending messages. In his profile, he talked about how important God was to him and outlined the things he believed made for a healthy relationship.

           He sounded too good to be true…

        As we were trying to make plans to meet up for the first time, he said he wanted me to come over to his house for our first meeting. I tried to explain that I wasn’t comfortable with that arrangement (who would be?!), since I never met him before he sent me a message over the internet. This is the stuff we were warned about, right? A psychopath luring us away (with a false but flashy dating profile) and slitting our throats? Next, he asked if he could ask me a personal question.

          “Sure,” I said.

          “Do you have any STDs?” he texts three days after starting to email me.

           I stared at my phone in horror. The real reason he wanted me to come to his place was coming clear, and it had nothing to do with “trying to save money this month”.

           I texted my reply, “Of course not! I’m not sure why you are asking.”

           “Well, it could get in the way if we were to be intimate.”

            Umm…Let’s put a big, huge duh on that one. That’s not what I was asking. The real question is why, Mr. Church Man, do you think we’ll be intimate on the first date?! I guess each church is different—mine sure has a different take on the subject—but I find that even lots of nonreligious people don’t sleep with someone on the first date either. Why? Because, to be blunt, it’s a tad whore-ish to do so.

           When I explained my—ahem—concerns, he proceeded to misquote scripture in an attempt to prove me wrong for feeling uncomfortable with his “ambitions”. I’ve heard scripture misused for lots of things, but wow. This was a first!

           So this is the very nefarious start to my online dating adventures. You just can’t make this stuff up, folks. Obviously, I need to write about them often in order to keep from losing my mind. I wish this was the only nutty thing that has happened to me, but oh no, it gets better (or worse??). I’m just warming up. Brace yourselves for there is much more dirt to come. Please take pity on me and visit regularly. Maybe even subscribe. I’ll feel less lonely if you do. Enjoy my misery, laugh, and share. And please, comment below to tell me about your wacky online dating experiences and take the poll. Sharing is the best medicine!